I want to say…
How grateful I am for the struggle.

I could be living a stagnant life, but in reflection I realize, my life has NEVER been stagnant. It’s been, at various times:

•Hard
•Easy
•Heartbreaking
•Fun
•Uncomfortable
•Blessed
And I could add more.

It has never been dull or uninteresting. I’ve made mistakes (still do). I have also EXCELLED in much (some might think that they are small things, but to me they are big…that’s all that matters).

Where I am today, I can’t even really describe because if you asked me how I am doing…at this moment I would honestly respond with “you, know…I’m not sure”.

But that’s ok.

I started martial arts when I was 31/32. I had just lost (took about a year) all the weight from having babies and feeling like absolute poop physically when I’d always been small and physically active. I lost probably around 60 lbs. I did it quietly, without telling anyone what I was doing. I had been exercising at home, but that quickly became boring and not enough. My first husband had trained for a short time and had mentioned wanting to start back (under Chris Williams United).

One thing about me…once I get ahold of something I want to do or learn, I am tenacious. I don’t easily give up. So I kept on and kept on until we started.

Shortly into it, I discovered that it became something more to me than just exercise and it gave me something I had been missing in my life: goals, structure, and community.

I started really competing in 2007 and never stopped up to this year. I’ve never counted the number of tournaments, but I can say that I received the competitor of the year in my division nearly every single one of those years. I also receive the most dedicated student award for almost all of my colored belt years.

That’s not to brag, just to say that I took it seriously. Not for recognition, but I just found my thing. And it would be my thing for a very long time.

I’m not saying it isn’t now, but things have most definitely changed. I am not sad about it. Yes, at first I was. Then, just very recently, I realized and accepted that I am not a quitter if I step away from that or try something new.

Even the BEST of things can grow stagnant and stagnancy is the last thing I want in my life.

My life, from the outside to most, may appear to be normal and maybe even a little dull, but my life has been interesting. Some of it has been my own doing. Some of it has not. Some of it cannot be explained except…God.

So I welcome the discomfort I have. I welcome the questions I have about what’s to come. I welcome the change. I accept what I’ve been thru as something that will make me better…because I’ve been getting better despite some pretty terrible things from a very young age until now.

I don’t know why I have a strength that some seem to lack. I’m not special, I don’t think. For some reason, despite things that very well could have, and tried to, keep me in a box and not grow, I’ve had a FIGHTING spirit that even though sometimes small, refused to back down.

I don’t want to be the person who is just ok standing back and going with the flow. My life has not been like that.

My black belt…could I have done more to earn it? Sure…there’s not a person who can look back and not at least identify one thing they might have put more effort into. However…I earned every stitch of that fabric and I am solid in what I put into it. What about the rest of my life? Yes, I dive in with my heart…

And you know, I love that about myself. It’s gotten me hurt for sure. But I love that about myself.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬