I accepted Jesus into my life when I was a young child. I was in bed one night and trying to go to sleep when I was struck with this overwhelming, emotional feeling that I wanted to “be good”. It is hard to articulate at a young age what you mean, but I remember it clearly and I was aware and sensitive to the fact that to “be good” meant that I wanted to accept Jesus. Unfortunately, we did not consistently stay in church for various reasons and therefore, I did not develop a true understanding of the gift, of Jesus or God and I did develop the wrong understanding. Although yes, He is a stern God who will judge and discipline, I completely missed the “love” part. So, I lived my life with God in the peripheral, reaching out when I was in trouble, but even then, not really understanding how or what to expect. I have been a good person, but I have not lived in line with God and made poor decisions.
I had already had one marriage that ended in divorce and was married a second time. For 13 years, roughly, the marriage was “fine”. But truly, it was not “fine” because it was not of God. In 2022, the marriage started to decline suddenly and without warning and I was blindsided. This began what would be a 2.5-year journey of confusion, anger, sadness, heartbreak, fighting to save, and enduring the worst thing I have ever been through. Also at the beginning of 2022, I was without a job as I had been self-employed for a short time and was trying to re-enter the workforce and was not having any luck. I prayed for God to help me get something, anything, and just what I would need to keep the bills from getting behind. Then a few days later, a job that I had not applied for and didn’t even know existed fell in my lap and ended up paying well more than just enough. While that was occurring, during the onboarding of that job, I was t-boned by a beer truck while driving in Chattanooga. I contacted an attorney and started the whole insurance process, which would ultimately take about a year. The job was contract and was supposed to “end” in August. Shortly after starting that job is when things really began to go bad at home and at some point, I started praying to God, asking Him to turn things around and help my husband. For a long time, it seemed that He wasn’t hearing me. In August, as my contract was coming to an end, I was contacted by my former employer, a bank, and asked to return to my old position. Due to what I was doing at the time, I was able to negotiate going back in at a higher salary. I returned to them in August. Then around October or November, I was driving to work and was stopped in traffic when a car rear-ended me and a truck then rear-ended them. The first wreck settlement was still pending and in process and so I contacted the attorney again who started to assist me with that wreck. Around the beginning of 2023, the first wreck settled and I was able to pay off a few bills. All the while, the problems at home just continued to grow worse and I was still praying for God to turn it around and fix it, with no improvement happening. Then around June 2023, I was driving home from work and again, was in traffic when a large pickup truck slammed into the rear end of my car at 45mph with no braking and pushed me into the two cars in front of me and totaled my car. The 2nd wreck I had was still in pending settlement process and so I contacted the attorney again. The other person’s insurance would not cover my car due to their limits and I had to use my own insurance and due to the high value of my car, I was still going to end up owing over $20,000 on a car I couldn’t even drive. Fortunately, and unknown to me at the time, I found out I had gap coverage and it ended up paying the difference. The day I was having to turn in my rental car provided by the other person’s insurance, I was contacted by the attorney’s office to pick up the check from my second settlement and I was able to use that to put a down payment on another vehicle which was cheaper than my first and I ended up with a much smaller car payment. Due to the hefty payment I had on the previous car, I had been making my payment in half twice a month and that ended up with my car payment having been paid up months ahead and I received an unexpected check for the difference after my car was totaled.
At the end of 2023, the bank I worked at announced it was selling and I was once again going to be looking for a job. At that very same time, my exact position was advertised at another local bank (a very odd and specialized position) and when I applied, they pretty much hired me on the spot and I was able to transition without missing any work or pay.
At the beginning of 2024, the final wreck settled and again, I paid off some bills.
All during that time, the marriage problems just continued to get worse and I was completely losing my hope, happiness, and sense of worth. There were times when I just thought that not waking up would be a rest and relief. There were times when I thought about driving off the side of the road. I had started praying to God, “Just protect me. If I am right about things, please just protect me”. I also had started trying to find a church to attend and someone recommended one in Dalton they thought I would like (they had never attended there). I looked it up and found that there was a location only 3 miles from my house. Even better. So, I visited a couple of times and liked it. The first 2 initial times I visited, even though I liked it, I would later note that no one had greeted me or spoken to me. I just walked in past everyone and found a seat, attended service and then left without anyone speaking to me. I feel that in hindsight, that was a good thing.
Then mid-2024, he left.
Shortly after he left, I found that the wreck settlements, the smaller car payment, and the job increases had resulted in a situation in which I would be able to stand on my own financially. I also had sort of found a church and I knew immediately that I needed to be there, that I was supposed to. The first time I went back after that, again, I wasn’t greeted, but I went at the end during “altar call” and asked for prayers for my marriage. It was at that time, I was invited to a Tuesday evening small group. I made myself go.
Shortly after I started regularly attending, something started to shift inside me, but I wasn’t sure what was happening. Then one morning, I was in the shower listening to worship music when all of a sudden I was able to “see” every little thing that had happened along the way from 2022-2024 that if even one of those things hadn’t happened in that perfect timing or at all, I would not have been able to be in the position I was in and take care of myself. It was God. God was there all along, working, answering my prayers…even though it wasn’t in the way I would have expected, but He did it. He protected me. He cared for me. He saw me. It was then that I truly began to understand that God loves us. God is love. I will never not believe and my life, although uncomfortable in many different ways at time, is better than it has ever been. Not because I have anything…money, home, car, etc., but because I know that I am loved, I am seen, and that He will provide in HIS way and in HIS time. I had some people who were aware of everything during who I will forever be grateful to, because they truly helped me to not feel completely alone. For a time after, I was somewhat isolated, but God perfectly placed me in a community of people who have shown me more love and compassion than I have ever experienced and they hardly knew me. I am blessed no matter what.